“You’re afraid of your identity, and that’s the worst. Be proud of who you are, and those who love you will appreciate that!” – Rona, a young lesbian Syrian woman.
“When I was in middle school, I would behave naturally as a gay boy, wearing a little makeup. After facing bullying and harm, I decided to hide my identity, and I don’t have the confidence to come out.” – Ryan, a young gay Syrian man.
“I believe that coming out doesn’t necessarily have to be physical or in public spaces.” – Haidar, a young gay Syrian man.
On this day every year, LGBTQIA+ individuals in several countries around the world celebrate National Coming Out Day. This expression symbolizes the act of coming out and revealing one’s identity to family, friends, or even colleagues at school or work. While the idea of coming out seems almost impossible for many LGBTQIA+ individuals in Syria today, we asked our readers and followers to share their experiences on this topic through an open survey. The survey, which included 65 participants, was published in partnership with the LGBT Arabic platform last month, and we selected the responses of fifteen individuals to the following question:
- Share with us your story or the story of others about coming out publicly, and what advice would you give on this matter?
The importance of highlighting individual experiences regarding the matter of coming out or revealing one’sLGBTQIA+ identity lies in the fact that these journeys serve as a guide to avoid mistakes and benefit from the strategies used in the process of coming out. In addition, these experiences can help build confidence, and they undoubtedly provide moral support, especially for those considering taking this bold step.
Andy says she has not come out publicly yet, but she recalls the story of one of her friends:
“I haven’t come out yet, but I have a friend who is a publicly out trans man. His family accepted him when he told his mother that he feels like a boy and not the girl he was born as. His mother cried at first, but she later accepted him. As for me, I haven’t told my family yet.”
Dee explains the impulsiveness and excitement she felt during her teenage years to come out publicly, driven by her love for another girl, as she says:
“In my first relationship with a girl, we didn’t realize the danger of coming out publicly. Love was our only driving force, which led to years of death threats and harassment. We were forced to flee after she was abused by her mother. Having a supportive community is a very important factor in anyone’s life, whether they are gay or straight. And we barely had that at all.”
The context is very different in the Idlib- Syria, where Haidar lives, but he finds other ways to come out… and then retreat back into the closet:
“Coming out publicly in Syria, especially in an area controlled by extremist groups, is a major risk that threatens my life. However, I believe that coming out doesn’t necessarily have to be physical or in public spaces. It can be done online or in closed and safe communities. There are always other ways to express yourself and support the community in safer ways.”
The performer Radhika shares her story before and after coming out:
“Before coming out, when I was still in Syria, the idea of being in a relationship with someone felt like a dream or an unattainable goal. I went through many toxic experiences that ended with strange effects. After coming out and moving to a safe environment, I realized that the love I was searching for, I could give to myself. The greatest love you can offer yourself is traveling to a safe place, because the straight community, or even our own community, is built on radicalism and the belief that others mean harm to you. There’s also a lot of stereotyping, especially among gay men.”
Ryan faced bullying and harm as a teenager due to his “spontaneity” in wearing makeup, which led him to reconsider his approach:
“I’m still not publicly out yet, but when I was in middle school, I would spontaneously act as a gay boy, wearing a little makeup. After facing bullying and harm, I decided to hide my identity, and I don’t have the confidence to come out. I recommend coming out in a safe country, and I believe that coming out with friends from our community provides moral support in taking this step.”
At the beginning of his coming out, after being discovered by his mother, Zain thought he was a “disgrace” to his family because of his homosexuality. However, he later realized that his family loves him “just as he is”:
“When I was in high school, I was in a relationship with a friend of mine, but he often wasn’t accepting of himself, and I didn’t know there were others like us in the world, so we entered a dark bubble. But it was a wonderful year and a half. One day, my mother opened my phone while I was away from home and read the conversations between me and my lover. when I returned home. My mother’s eyes were filled with fear and terrifying rejection at the thought that I was gay. I cried a lot, just as I’m crying now while writing this story. My brothers were supportive of me; they asked me that same day: ‘Are you really gay?’ I answered, ‘Yes, I am, and I’m sorry for being a disgrace to you.’ But they expressed their love for me ‘just as I am.’ Later, my friend left me out of fear of a ‘scandal.’ I started my journey of being out in close circles, except with my mother—I would return to the closet when I was with her. But recently, I’ve come out again.”
Rihane Khoury finds coming out to be difficult:
“Unfortunately, I’m still in the closet, and I’ve been struggling with this since childhood. I’ve tried many times without success.”
But Rona has a different perspective:
“Being afraid of your identity is the worst. Be proud of who you are, and those who love you will appreciate that! The first time I told my friends that I have a girlfriend, I was anxious and scared. Reactions varied from ‘There’s no need for anyone to know’ to ‘We’re happy to know that.'”
For Basil, public coming out should be done gradually, and the process should start with the family:
“The family is the greatest source of motivation and strength in the world. My advice is to try to tell them gradually and educate them.”
Boudi shares painful memories from coming out to others, despite his attempts to hide his homosexuality:
“Bullying during mandatory military service. No matter how hard you try to hide your homosexuality, it will be visible to others, and bullying will begin.
I was beaten and ostracized for 30 months during my mandatory service. The same people who beat me during the day raped me at night, without me being able to seek protection.”
Noor believes that hiding is better and that pain exists in all situations:
“I advise all gay men and women to be very cautious about coming out publicly. I know that hiding is painful, but what’s the point of coming out to face humiliation, rejection, and oppression? In the end, we will endure pain in all circumstances.”
Meanwhile, Basel shares his experience with coming out:
“I couldn’t stand in front of society and disclose my homosexuality until I was thirty. I held my friend’s hand and said that we were in a loving relationship. Our surroundings accepted it, but with caution.”
Sam also tells us how he overcame difficulties in finding support:
“During my time in Latakia, I faced situations of discrimination, threats, and both verbal and physical assaults because of my orientation. Despite that, I decided to be honest about my identity. I knew that being true to myself was the only way forward to a better life. I found that support from friends and human rights organizations played a big role in helping me overcome these challenges. From my experiences, I learned that society can be supportive and that openness can have a powerful impact.”
Emma wanted to share her story, as nothing is impossible from her perspective:
“Today, I celebrate 42 years of being married to the woman I loved after a relationship that lasted more than nine years. I live far from Syria, and I share my story with members of the community in Syria. This is our right to live, and nothing is impossible.”
As for Participant No. 60’s advice:
“My advice is ‘love yourself’ and free yourself from pressures and the effects of oppression. That takes time—self-care, don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t get into unhealthy relationships. Stay as you are.”
It is important to note once again that coming out of the closet for LGBTQIA+ individuals, especially for those in countries like Syria, can be extremely challenging due to social, religious, and legal constraints. Therefore, here are some pieces of advice we’ve summarized from your experiences regarding coming out, but always remember that personal safety should be a top priority:
– Choose the right time
– Be honest with yourself
– Start with those who are closest and most supportive
– Expect all kinds of reactions, and be patient.
